Life of Crime
by Sovereign64
Summary: What will Ulquiorra Schiffer and Grimmjow Jaegerjaques do when they both thought they accidentally stole a balloon? Parody of a Spongebob Squarepants episode. ONESHOT


_**Life of Crime**_

At the arrancar headquarters, a man with brown eyes, brown hair and wears a white jacket and white hakama was sitting on his chair and watching a show on his TV at the same time. His name was Sosuke Aizen.

"_And now, back to CSI: Karakura Town." A voice from the TV said._

_On the TV, an old woman was sitting on a bench and sleeping soundly. Suddenly, a man laughed evilly as he snatched the handbag and ran away. The old woman suddenly woke up and screamed, "HELP!" _

_A group of policemen then ran over to her and a policeman asked, "Which way did he go, ma'am?" _

"_He went that way!" The old woman said as she points at the direction the evil man went._

"_Let's get him!" The policeman yelled to his group as the group chases after the evil man. After they caught the evil man, they threw the man into a jail cell and locked him up._

" _Curses. Foiled again." The man said in disappointment._

"That no good guy got what he deserved! Stealing that bag from that innocent old lady, what nerve!" Aizen said. Then he turns his face to two men who are standing next to him. The first man was a man with green eyes, grayish skin, black hair, cyan lines descending from his eyes, and wears a white jacket, black sash and a white hakama. His name was Ulquiorra Schiffer.

The second man was a man with spiky light blue hair, light blue eyes, and wears a white jacket, black sash and white hakama. His name was Grimmjow Jaegerjaques.

"Bad people like him who likes to steal should be lock up however. You gotta remember that boys." Aizen continued.

"But Aizen-sama, what about the stuff which YOU stole?" Ulquiorra asked puzzled.

"What in Hueco Mundo are you talking about?!" Aizen asked.

"Like the chair you're sitting on." Ulquiorra said as he points at the descriptions on the side of chair and reads, "Property of Tite Kubo."

Aizen nervously got off his chair and explained, " Oh that, well…um…he doesn't really want it anymore."

"So he gave it to you." Ulquiorra said with a smile.

"Um…no."

"Then isn't that stealing?" Ulquiorra asked in concern.

"Um…"

"How about Renji's Zabimaru sword?" Grimmjow asked as he holds up Renji's weapon.

"Um…"

"And Ichigo's Nintendo Wii?" Ulquiorra asked as he holds up a Wii console.

"Well he…" Aizen said, getting more nervous and sweating more.

"And Rukia's grass clippers?" Grimmjow asked as he holds up a pair of grass clippers.

"Yeah well…"

"And Inoue's lawnmower?" Ulquiorra asked as he shows Inoue's lawnmower.

"Yeah she was um…" Aizen better say something fast to defend himself!

"Even Yoruichi's prize winning sculpture of the entire city of Tokyo?" Ulquiorra said as he holds up a sculpture of Tokyo City.

"That was a gift!" Aizen protested as he snatches the sculpture away from Ulquiorra. Then he clams down and said, "Listen boys, all that stuff I took from those guys, I just did something which is called…borrowing. Yeah, borrowing. I just borrowed from them, that's all."

Ulquiorra and Grimmjow both sighed in relief as Ulquiorra said, "Whew, I thought you steal those things without permission."

"Permissions, permissions. Whatever. You can borrow anything you like, as long as you quickly returned it before it's too late." Aizen said with grin. Then he gets behind Ulquiorra and Grimmjow and continued, "Now then, you boys did a great job today. You guys can leave work early today." He then pushes Grimmjow and Ulquiorra out through the entrance of the headquarters.

"But we didn't do anything today." Grimmjow said as he and Ulquiorra gets pushed out of the headquarters.

"See you tomorrow boys!" Aizen said as he smiled and waves goodbye. After Grimmjow and Ulquiorra are gone, Aizen took out Yoruichi's sculpture of Tokyo and sighed in relief. "That was a close one."

* * *

Later, Grimmjow and Ulquiorra both walked dizzily and smiled stupidly as they walked through the park.

"What do you wanna do today, Ulquiorra?" Grimmjow asked stupidly.

"I don't know, what do you wanna do today, Grimmjow?" Ulquiorra asked stupidly.

"I don't know, what do you wanna do today, Ulquiorra?"

"I don't know, what do you wanna do today, Grimmjow?"

Then Grimmjow stops and gasps when he spotted a cart filled with colorful balloons and a man named Kisuke Urahara was standing next to it and giving a balloon to a girl named Kukaku Shiba. "I know what I wanna do today!" Grimmjow said as he widens his eyes. "I need money."

He then took out his left hakama pocket, but nothing's in it. He took out his right hakama pocket, but there's also nothing in it. "Oh I know." Grimmjow grins as he leans his head down and looks through his hole on his stomach. Of course, there's also nothing in it. "Oh yeah, right. It's just my hole, nothing special."

Grimmjow then turns his head eagerly to Ulquiorra and grabs him by his collar. "Ulquiorra! I need money really really badly." Red veins formed in his eyes as he leans his face closer to Ulquiorra. "REALLY REALLY BADLY."

Grimmjow lets go of Ulquiorra as Ulquiorra said with a smile. "That's okay, Grimmjow. There's always money in the first national bank of Ulquiorra." Ulquiorra then took out some magic dust from his pocket and throws it into the air. Then, a colorful rainbow was formed as Ulquiorra said to Grimmjow, "Follow me!" Ulquiorra and Grimmjow laughed happily as they ride on the rainbow and they got off when they reached the end of the rainbow. At the end of the rainbow as a huge pot. Ulquiorra picks up the pot and looks inside it. There's nothing in the pot at all. "Oh, no wait, there's nothing in it today."

Ulquiorra then tosses the pot away and said, "How about we go see Ichigo, maybe he got some money." But before Ulquiorra can walk away, Grimmjow puts his hand on his shoulder and stops him.

"Wait, instead of borrowing the money…why do we borrow the balloon?" Grimmjow asked as his smile widens.

"Yeah! Just like good ol' Aizen-sama!" Ulquiorra agreed with a smile.

As Kisuke was giving a balloon to a girl named Hinamori Momo who smiled back at him, Ulquiorra secretly walks over to the cart and whistles as he secretly took a balloon from the cart (Kisuke is unaware of that) and quickly dashes away after he got the balloon.

Ulquiorra and Grimmjow then ran over to a street with the balloon and laughed gleefully.

"Woohoo! We just borrowed a balloon!" Ulquiorra said.

"Aw right, woohoo!" Grimmjow cheered. "Now we can go to the theme park with the balloon. Then we can go to the mall with the balloon! Then to the manga store, and the bus stop, and the arcade and the fast food restaurant…"

"And then the movies, and the convenience store, the swimming pool and the soccer stadium…" Ulquiorra said eagerly.

"And then the baseball stadium, and the library, and the temple, and the Tokyo Radio Tower.."

"And then Australia, and England, and Canada and America!!"

"WOOHOO!!" Both Ulquiorra and Grimmjow cheered. "WE CAN BORROW ANYTHING!!"

But soon their celebration was short-lived when suddenly, the balloon Ulquiorra was holding popped. "It popped." Ulquiorra said to Grimmjow. They both stared at the pieces of balloon on the ground for a few moments. Until they finally both screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

"What do we do, Ulquiorra?! We're definitely gonna get it for sure!" Grimmjow panicked.

"I got the pieces." Ulquiorra panicked as he picks up the pieces of the balloon from the ground.

"I got the air!" Grimmjow panicked as he grabs the um…air.

"Let's put them back together!" Ulquiorra said as Grimmjow pus up the air and Ulquiorra puts on the pieces. However, the pieces then dropped onto the ground again. "We popped the balloon!" Grimmjow gasps as Ulquiorra now grabs Grimmjow's jacket tightly. "We can't return it!" Grimmjow gasps again. "We're thieves!" Grimmjow now wails loudly. "We got to confess!"

"CONFESS?! Are you out of your mind, Ulquiorra?!" Grimmjow said as he pushes Ulquiorra away. "I mean think about man, it's not like we just murdered an innocent person. Or it's not like we just hijack a plane." Then he shouted so loudly that the windows of the buildings around them shattered into pieces and the citizens all looked at them confused. "WE STOLE A BALLOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNN!!"

The citizens quickly walked away from them scared as Ulquiorra calmed Grimmjow. "You're right, Grimmjow. Let's just act normal so that nobody will find us suspicious." Ulquiorra said calmly.

"Got it." Grimmjow said. Both arrancars that stand still for a while. However, they still couldn't bear the fact that they stole a balloon and both arrancars now act wildly and stupidly.

A student named Keigo Asano walked over to them and yelled happily, "Hey guys! Street performers!" Many students from Karakura High School then walked over to the two arrancars and cheered as they watched them 'perform'.

"It's…not…WORKING!!" Ulquiorra and Grimmjow screamed, more scared as ever, as the students looked at them confused and watched them run away in the speed of light.

Ulquiorra and Grimmjow kept running until they bumped into a familiar balloon cart. They both looked up and saw Kisuke Urahara smiling at them. "HI there guys." Kisuke greeted. Ulquiorra and Grimmjow screamed as they get up and run away from Kisuke.

"Hey guys! Don't you want a free balloon? It's national free balloon day!" KIsuke called to them.

"It's not safe in Karakura Town anymore! Let's run away as fast as we can and cover our tracks!" Ulquiorra panicked as he runs quickly.

"I'm right behind ya!" Grimmjow panicked as he paints the ground with red paint as he followed Ulquiorra from behind. The two kept running until they run over to a cliff that is miles away from the town.

* * *

Ulquiorra and Grimmjow looked at Karakura Town sadly from the top of the cliff as the sun sets. "Take one last look, Grimmjow. Because that will be the last time we will ever see sweet old Karakura Town." Ulquiorra said sadly.

"Goodbye, Karakura Town." Grimmjow said as he waved goodbye to the town.

"Well, let's get going." Ulquiorra said sadly as he holds up his backpack. Grimmjow yelps as he tries to carry up his house. "I'm afraid we'll have to travel lighter."

Ulquiorra and Grimmjow then walked away from the town sadly with nothing but the clothes on their back.

* * *

That night, it was raining heavily and both arrancars are sitting next to a campfire sadly. "I want to go home." Grimmjow whimpered.

"We can never go home, Grimmjow. We'll spend the rest of our lives running. And running." Ulquiorra said sadly. Then he made a weak smile as he holds up his hands near the campfire. "But at least we have this nice warm campfire, right?"

"Hey, if it's raining heavily then how can there be…" Before Grimmjow could finish, the campfire goes out. "I'm scared." Grimmjow whimpered as he curls himself into a ball and shakes frantically.

"No more KaraKura Town." Ulquiorra said sadly. Grimmjow gasps. "No more nice warm beds." Grimmjow gasps again. "No more looking at pictures of beautiful ladies." Grimmjow gasps again, heavily this time. "No more getting e-mail." Grimmjow now sucks his thumb like a momma's boy. "No more watching Bleach." Grimmjow tries to fight back his tears as he rolls around on the ground. "No more Szayel or Gin or Tosen or Aizen-sama." Ulquiorra said as he looks through his list. "No more anything!" Ulquiorra tosses the list away as he now starts crying.

"I WANT ICE CREAM!" Grimmjow cried as he cries madly with Ulquiorra. After crying for a few minutes, Ulquiorra sniffs and suddenly smiles.

"But it doesn't have to be THAT bad right?" Ulquiorra asked with a grin.

"Yeah, I mean now we are REAL bad guys!" Grimmjow agreed with a grin.

"Yeah and at least all that running is good for your butts and thighs." Ulquiorra said.

Then suddenly, a random picture of a half naked male model appears as the model said, "Yeah, butts and thighs."

"And then we can do sword fights whenever we want to!" Grimmjow said.

"Yeah! And we don't need to brush our teeth anymore!" Ulquiorra added.

"Yeah! And we can freeze ourselves in the snow!"

"Yeah!" Ulquiorra agreed as he suddenly becomes a snowman. He then breaks himself from the snow and said, "And we don't have to shower!"

"And we can learn how to fly!"

"Yeah!" Ulquiorra yelled as he jumps down from a cliff. He screams until he hits the ground…hard. "Okay, maybe we can't do that yet!" He then crawls over to Grimmjow and added, "But at least we don't have to shave!"

"I'm way ahead of you!" Grimmjow grins as he pulls up his hakama and reveals his hairy legs.

"And we can also learn how to talk tough!" The Ulquiorra stands up and makes an impression of Clint Eastwood. "This town ain't big enough for the two of us!"

"Hey, let me try!" Grimmjow said eagerly. Then he smiles stupidly and said, "Hey…punk." He chuckles at this.

"And also, the best of all, now that we are thieves, we don't have to return anything we borrow!" ULquiorra said. Both arrancars cheered and they both hugged each other. They broke the hug a while later.

"Alright! And it's all thanks to you!" Grimmjow said.

"Oh come on, Grimmjow. Stealing the balloon was your idea." Ulquiorra laughed.

"But you're the one with the sticky fingers!"

"D'aw." Ulquiorra said as he blushes.

"I wish we got something to eat now."

"Look what I have!" Ulquiorra sang happily as he holds up two candy bars.

"RECTANGLES!" Grimmjow cheered as he jumped into the air happily.

"Not just any rectangles. Candy bars!" Ulquiorra said.

Grimmjow gasps as he took a candy bar from Ulquiorra. "Candy bar…"

"Yup, let's hope it will last for the rest of our lives." Ulquiorra said as he holds up his candy bar.

"Great! I think I'll eat it now." Grimmjow grins as he consumes his candy bar into his mouth. He sighed in satisfaction and pauses for a few seconds.

"I think I'll eat it now." Grimmjow said again and he bites his hand. He yelled in pain as he shakes his bitten hand. Then he looked at his hand. There's nothing on it!" He then panicked frantically as he said, "Where is it?! Where's my candy bar?! I'm gonna starve!"

"But Grimmjow, you just ate yours. Heck, you even got chocolate stains covered all over your mouth." Ulquiorra said. But Grimmjow ignored him as he continues searching for it.

"Where is it?! I'm gonna starve! I can't find it!" Grimmjow now digs the ground frantically and went into the ground. A while later, Grimmjow comes out from the ground under Ulquiorra and said, "Where's my candy bar?! I can't find it!" Grimmjow then looks up and thinks he saw what it is. "Ah ha!"

"What?" Ulquiorra asked innocently.

Grimmjow then angrily comes out from the ground and points at Ulquiorra accusingly. "You stole my candy bar!"

"What?! I didn't!" Ulquiorra protested as he stands up.

"Oh, so this is it huh? Once a criminal, always a criminal!" Grimmjow said as he continues pointing at Ulquiorra accusingly.

"But this is MY candy bar! Really!" Ulquiorra protested, more fed up that Grimmjow is accusing him wrongly.

"You took my only food! Now I'm gonna starve!" Grimmjow sneered, although his stomach already looks big and chubby.

"Here, you can just take half of mine." Ulquiorra said in concern as he kindly holds up his candy bar to Grimmjow.

"Yours?! You mean MINE!"

"But you ate yours, and this is MINE!" Ulquiorra protested as he narrows his eyes.

"Liar, liar, plants for tire."

"It's pants on fire, dummy. Well, ain't you gonna take my candy bar or not?!"

"No." Grimmjow said as he turns around and folds his arms angrily. "I'm not gonna eat it until you confess that you stole my candy bar." He then turns his eyes to Ulquiorra angrily. "Liar."

"Well that fine! If you don't want my candy bar, I guess I'll just eat everything by myself." Ulquiorra said.

"You better not." Grimmjow wanred as he turns back to Ulquiorra. Ulquiorra smirked evilly as he unwraps his candy bar. "I'M WARNING YOU!" Grimmjow yelled, now more angry then ever. Ulquiorra then sticks out his tongue as he draws his tongue closer to his candy bar. "STOP IT!" But it was too late as Ulquiorra's tongue touches the bar.

Grimmjow gasps at this. Ulquiorra now starts chewing the bar with his front teeth, making Grimmjow gasps again. Ulquiorra now rubs his candy bar on his ears, making Grimmjow screamed. Ulquiorra now licks his tongue all over his candy bar, making Grimmjow fell to his knees and cried in disbelief. Finally, Ulquiorra puts the whole candy bar into his mouth and swallows it in one gulp.

Grimmjow then jumps into the air and yelled. Then he frowns his eyes at Ulquiorra and points accusingly at him again. "I should have known the change of your attitude ever since you stole that balloon!"

"I stole the balloon? Did I, Grimmjow?" Ulquiorra asked with a frown as he rubs his chin. Then he points accusingly at Grimmjow and said, "Or was it your criminal mind that hypnotize me to do?!"

Grimmjow gasps at what Ulquiorra said in disbelief. "THAT'S IT!" He yelled as he stomps his foot on the campfire. Then he screams in pain and hops around on one foot as the campfire lights up again. Then he turns back to Ulquiorra and continued angrily, "First the balloon! Now the candy bar! YOU HAVE GONE OUT OF YOUR MIND! I'm…I'm gonna…" He widens his eyes and snarled at Ulquiorra. "I'm telling them about you."

Ulquiorra gasps and snarled, "Not if I tell them about you first!" He then runs away in the speed of light and runs back to Karakura Town."

"I'll meet you there!" Grimmjow said as he chases after Ulquiorra.

Grimmjow and Ulquiorra now runs together back to Karakura Town as Ulquiorra said to Grimmjow, "You're gonna get into trouble."

"No! You are!" Grimmjow snapped back. They both continue running and breathing heavily together back to Karakura Town.

* * *

Both arrancars then finally arrived at a police station and they both entered the station together. They then ran over to a podium where a woman named Yoruichi Shihouin was writing her book. Yoruichi looks up when the arrancars came up to her.

Grimmjow and Ulquiorra then both panicked as they pointed at each other accusingly. A while later, Yoruichi asked, "What can I do for you boys?"

Tears formed in their eyes as Grimmjow and Ulquiorra both confess to Yoruichi, "WE STOLE A BALLOON!" Both Grimmjow and Ulquiorra starts crying like mad.

Another officer named Soifon then walked over to Yoruichi and asked, "What's going on here, captain?"

"I don't know." Yoruichi said with a frown. "It appears these two arrancars stole a balloon."

"What are you going to do to us?" ULquiorra asked as he and Grimmjow sniffed.

Yoruichi and Soifon looked at each other. Then Soifon whispered to Yoruichi. After that, Yoruichi said, "Alright, come with me."

* * *

Yoruichi and Sofion then gestured Grimmjo and Ulquiorra into a jail cell. Grimmjow and Ulquiorra then sadly entered the cell as Yoruichi said, "If you guys can't do the crime, don't do the time." Yoruichi then shuts the cell doors. A few seconds later, Yoruichi reopen the doors and said, "Okay, time's up. Now get out."

"But we stole a balloon." Ulquiorra said sadly.

"Yeah on free balloon day." Soifon said. Then both Yoruichi and Soifon laughed maniacally as Grimmjow and Ulquiorra widened their eyes in realization.

* * *

Later outside the police station, Yoruichi and Soifon smiled as Yoruichi asked while holding up two lollipops, "How about some lollipops on the road?"

Ulquiorra and Grimmjow smiled as they took the lollipops from Yoruichi and Ulquiorra said to Grimmjow with a grin. "Let's vow never to borrow anything without permission again."

"You say it." Grimmjow said with a grin. But when Grimmjow and Ulquiorra hold up their lollipops, Grimmjow's lollipop have been eaten. Grimmjow widens his eyes and frowns, unaware that there are lollipop stains around his mouth, "Alright, which one of you flapjacks stole my lollipops?" Grimmjow, Ulquiorra, Yoruichi and Soifon then laughed gleefully throughout the night.

"I mean it."

**THE END**


End file.
